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The attraction was definitely one-sided at first: M was crazy about me, and knew that he wanted us to be together as soon as he met me. I put him in the ‘friend zone,’ and continued to date other people.
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I was completely on cloud 9 and couldn’t believe how ‘in love’ I felt with M; I just wanted to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. I shouldn’t feel like this when I’m getting engaged to someone I’m going to marry! What if I wake up one day and realize that this was all just a horrible mistake? 🙂 Well, my reassurance seeking led me to Googling (naturally haha)…which led me to read the countless articles telling me that ‘doubt means don’t,’ and that I shouldn’t be feeling this way about getting engaged.
Fast forward again to last summer when we started talking about getting engaged, and I felt like my life was turned upside down; the anxiety hit me out of nowhere, and I suddenly didn’t know what I wanted anymore. I could barely sit next to M without feeling suffocated, and wanting to scream ‘I can’t do this! I honestly felt like I could barely breathe – I was terrified that I had to leave M, and that I couldn’t marry him.
I was terrified that our relationship wasn’t ‘right’.
I was terrified that I was making a mistake, and I was ready to run away from it all.
*** On the one year anniversary of getting engaged to M, I just wanted to drop back in and share some perspective that I’ve gained in the past year in the hopes that it may help some of the new folks on this board.